Chronicle #4

Hey there, thanks for being here. I hope you’re happy and healthy.

It’s been a while since I posted, but I used some of that time to reflect. This post is dedicated to those who may tend to push themselves too hard.

The brutal reality of life is that no matter whether you like it or need it, you will constantly change. However, change becomes much more bearable when you can accept it and use it to your advantage.

This year, I have endured an entire transformation. I was nervous because I felt as if I had finally become comfortable with the person I was and that change was not needed. The truth is, I was scared. I drowned myself with thoughts thinking that people loved me for the person I was and not for the change that was coming. Without realizing it, I put an immense amount of pressure on myself, which resulted in a moment of self-hatred.

One of the best ideas that I had to learn through the change was the concept of self-awareness. I struggled because, in a way, I was too self-aware, and that led me down a rabbit hole of hating any single thing that I did. I put so much pressure on myself and accepted every single flaw, creating a cycle of being too hard on myself and resenting the person I was changing into. I would constantly hear, “Don’t beat yourself up” or “You’re being too hard on yourself,” without actually taking any of those things into consideration.

It wasn’t until one of my friends pointed out that I am not what people say about me, but that I am convincing myself I am. This was a concept that felt too large for my brain to wrap around. To put it lightly, every single person will have conceptions about you, whether they be true or not. However, when you don’t challenge them and you let them sit, you become them.

Unfortunately, I became them. The difference between being self-aware and beating yourself up is as simple as the after-effects. Self-awareness allows you to notice what you are doing and fix it for the future. Beating yourself up leads to a negative cycle in your head where you might say, I can’t do anything right, can I?

Most of the time you will not be able to recognize this cycle. It took me an extremely long time to listen to the advice of those who cared about me and act on it. I heard one misconception and used it as a way to work on something to change. Instead of ending it there and allowing myself to move on, I made that comment part of who I was. It’s a silly thing that our brains tend to do when we hear how people view us.

We always hear, “Don’t care what other people think about you,” but the truth is that caring allows you to reflect on who you are. Yes, it is extremely important to be confident in yourself and your decisions. But when we take a minute to listen to how other people may view us, we allow ourselves to learn more that may seem unnoticeable. I have said this in my previous blogs, but figuring out your toxic traits allows you to combat them. Every single one of us has toxic traits, but when we decide to disregard them, they become more of who we are. Learn from them and figure out why you have them. Most of the time they are just a guard to prevent yourself from feeling something you are scared of. Letting the guard down and feeling the fright will allow you to see new things in a different light.

Watch the way you treat yourself and notice the difference between self-awareness and being too hard on yourself. There’s a fine line, but once you feel it, you can use it for your advantage.

Thanks for being here. I appreciate you. I’ll see you when I see you.

Chronicles of Life from an Outstander